"Interpersonal relationships are always tangled with love and hate, whether children, teenagers or adults. At every stage of life, interpersonal problems will accompany us, which is a normal state." Li Xue, deputy chief physician of the Department of child psychiatry of the Sixth Hospital of Peking University, said in an interview with Zhongqing daily · zhongqing.com. Li Xue found in clinic that many parents are confused and worried about their children's interpersonal problems, especially in children and adolescents: some parents worry that their children are timid and introverted, suffer losses in interpersonal communication and are bullied by other children; Some parents worry that their children are overbearing, do not unite and love, and bully others; Some parents worry that their children will not choose friends and "learn bad" with "bad children"... How should parents face and solve the problems their children encounter in interpersonal communication? How to help children have healthy interpersonal relationships? The interpersonal relationship between children is actually very simple In Li Xue's opinion, the significance of interpersonal communication is that it can promote one's physical and mental health. Everyone has the need to communicate with others. With friends, you can get more sense of security. In the affirmation and encouragement of friends, you can also get a sense of self-worth. Good interpersonal communication is the need of life development. Interpersonal relationship is not only the communication between friends, a person can get happiness in classmate relationship, love relationship, colleague relationship and marriage relationship. Li Xue believes that interpersonal communication is neither good nor bad, and there is no difference between success and failure. When people judge whether the communication with a person is good or bad, success or failure, the standard is not the communication itself, but the feelings they bring to themselves and the interests they bring. "Parents are worried that their children can't handle interpersonal relationships well and that other children will have a bad impact on their children. In fact, it is more out of value judgment." Li Xue said. Li Xue said that the interpersonal relationship between children is actually very simple. One child wants to play with another just because "I have fun with him". However, parents' ideas are often not simple. They are not only satisfied with their children's "happiness", but may require their children to "make friends with children who learn well" and "learn from friends to make up for their weaknesses" according to their parents' preferences. This will make children unable to simply enjoy the happiness of friendship and communication in interpersonal communication, which may lead to a lot of contradictions and confusion for children. Parents should allow their children to be in a collective environment in their own way In addition to individual relationships, children will also face group relationships. In interpersonal communication, every child has different styles. For normal children, there will always be some quiet children in a class. They may be a little silent and don't like to take the initiative to communicate with others, but when others take the initiative to communicate with them, they can often cope well; On the contrary, other children are very happy to communicate with others, will take the initiative to care for and help others, will actively participate in various community activities in the school, and actively undertake the work of class cadres. Li Xue said that passive contact is the state of most people. However, parents often hope that "my children can become the most dazzling 'star' in the circle". In fact, it doesn't matter whether the child is a class cadre or an ordinary classmate as long as he can be self consistent and self accepted in the group. Parents should learn to respect their children's choices and allow their children to be in a collective environment in their own way. In reality, parents often ask their children to make positive progress, have the courage to express themselves and strive to be class cadres. "These are parents' good expectations for their children, but not every child likes it." Li Xue said. Many children will tell their parents, "I don't want to do this" and "I don't feel happy doing this". At this time, parents should ask themselves whether they can understand and agree with their children's ideas? Do you know the child's mood? Are you willing to help your child act according to his wishes? The most effective way of education is for parents to set an example The study found that the characteristics of popular children in the crowd are: attractive appearance, positive and optimistic, like bilateral exchanges, willing to share, high level of cooperation, leadership and no aggression; The rejected children are: argumentative and unwilling to share; Neglected children are characterized by shyness, easy to shrink back, dare not express themselves, and often stay alone and avoid bilateral exchanges. Li Xue believes that there are many factors that affect children's different communication styles and characteristics. The first is whether the children's own development is at a normal level. If there are children with abnormal development in the collective, such as autistic children, they need professional education and training to promote their progress, as well as the acceptance and tolerance of the surrounding environment. Other diseases such as anxiety, depression and adaptation disorders will affect children's communication. Once the disease is involved, parents need to take their children to seek professional help from doctors. Another important factor is family influence. To help children have good interpersonal relationships, the most important thing is that parents should have the right way of raising children. First of all, children with neat appearance and dignified manners must be more popular in the crowd; Children with strong action force and standardized behavior must also be more easily accepted. Therefore, parents should set an example for their children in these aspects. With the development of children's cognition and emotion, children's sociality and social skills are also developing. Therefore, parents should not only teach their children basic social norms, but also help their children improve their social skills. The most effective way of education is for parents to set an example. Parents should pay attention to their speech and behavior. When communicating with each other, they should adopt a peaceful way; When communicating with children, don't roar and roar. Respect, tenderness and firmness can help children learn good communication methods. While creating more opportunities for children to communicate with their peers, parents should also pay attention not to simply throw their children into a group of children and let them make friends, but to respect their children's wishes, let them choose their own friends, and create conditions for them to get along with their friends. Before that, they should also teach their children some social skills in advance. In addition, teachers also play a very important role in children's interpersonal communication. The construction of a class atmosphere is closely related to the role of teachers. Li Xue believes that every parent should strive to become a learning parent. Parents should give their children full acceptance and affirmation, so that children can feel enough love and security, have more self-confidence, better sense of self-identity and self-worth, and promote the development of children's self-consciousness; Parents should be good at expressing their emotions, so that children can learn to better express their emotions; Parents should teach their children to learn to recognize and understand other people's feelings, so that children can know how to love and care for others; Parents should cultivate their good communication skills so that their children can have better social skills. Parents don't have to worry about whether their children are the most popular "stars" in the crowd. As long as children are mentally healthy, have a full sense of security, can confirm their self-worth, can obtain a happy and pleasant experience in interpersonal relationships, and can develop themselves, it is enough. "What parents need to do is to let their children live a healthy and happy life, rather than let their children become what parents expect and realize their unrealized ideals." Li Xue concluded. (outlook new era)