When the discussion about the phenomenon of "Ma Bao Man" becomes more and more intense, people will unconsciously pay attention to the "Er Bao Ma" with which there is a "dependency and symbiotic relationship". The reason why they are concerned by the society is that this unhealthy mother-child relationship will not only cause trouble to family life, but also bring many adverse effects to social relations. Maternal love is not the possession of children, but should be a proper exit. We should face up to "separation", make good use of "attention", and let the father's role "return". one "Er Bao Ma" hovering over the children In life or marriage, I only listen to my mother and have no independent opinion; In case of trouble, take your mother as a shield, "what my mother says, how my mother does", half a sentence does not leave the word "mother"; Whether right or wrong, always obey his mother's wishes; Mentally independent and psychologically dependent on the mother... Experts believe that the focus of the phenomenon of "Ma Bao Man" lies in the "mother" - the mother has no boundary awareness in family life and "crosses the border" with her children everywhere: from drinking and eating, dressing and dressing, extracurricular activities to interest cultivation, making friends and even life development. Once the child is faced with problems, she "hovers" like a helicopter The "baby mother" over the child will "dive down" to control and even intervene in everything about the child. In the relationship between "Ma Bao Nan" and "Er Bao Ma", the son is over protected for many years, showing many immature characteristics, such as low self-care ability or young mind; "Er Bao Ma" is keen to have a "never grow up" child and give the child excessive supervision and care to prove her value as a mother or even a woman. Yin Jianli, an educator and writer, once wrote in the book the most beautiful education is the simplest that the first task of maternal love is to be close to children and take care of their growth; The second task is to separate from children and promote their independence. If the mother reverses the order, she is doing an unnatural thing, which not only makes the child's childhood barren, but also suffocates the child's adult life. For the abnormal mother child relationship between "Ma Baonan" and "Er Baoma", psychological counselor Wu Zhihong believes that the blockbuster "Wu Xieyu's mother killing case" is an extreme case. He called this relationship "symbiotic strangulation", that is, in the parent-child relationship and intimate relationship, because of the lack of boundary consciousness, the two are interdependent and harmful to each other. two Behind "Er Bao Ma" Modern psychoanalytic psychologist Eric Fromm believes that "the real essence of maternal love is to care about the growth of children, that is, to want children to be separated from themselves." Yin Jianli said that mothers must tolerate separation, and must hope and support children to be separated from themselves. At this stage, maternal love becomes a most difficult task. It requires selflessness and giving everything. Some mothers fail to complete the task of maternal love, and multiple factors of individual, family and society further promote the formation of the role of "Er Bao Ma". "The first is personal factors. The common feature of 'er Bao Ma' is that the role of mother outweighs other roles of women." Chen Zhiyan, a professor at the Institute of psychology of the Chinese Academy of Sciences, said that such women's wishes and feelings are realized and satisfied not through their own life, but through their children. They also have a deviation in their understanding of the mother's role. They do not realize that the child and themselves are two independent and independent individuals, and have been in a state of dependence on the child. "Er Bao Ma" will even rationalize this behavior - not that I don't want to let go, but that the child can't live without me. In fact, the feeling of being needed by children is the source of a mother's sense of value. Another important factor comes from family relations. The lack of father's role is an important factor in the emergence of "Ma Bao Man" and "Er Bao Ma" in the family. There is a saying in the West that a person is born twice. The first time he comes to the world as a baby, and the second time he uses the power of love to heal the trauma of his childhood and rebuild his family through the power of love. Therefore, the "sea god needle" of family relationship should be the relationship between husband and wife. In this regard, some Chinese families have not done well: once they have children, the important order in the family has changed rapidly. Children have become the core of the family, and the mother-child relationship has become the core of the family relationship. Wu Zhihong believes that at this time, if the husband's psychological function develops better, he will find ways to deal with this change through communication between husband and wife; On the contrary, he feels abandoned and "runs away". In this way, a "alliance" is further formed between mother and son, which weakens the existence and authority of father through criticism or disregard, and excludes the role of father from their communication and interaction. In addition, there are many social factors in the emergence of "Er Bao Ma". Relationship psychologist Hu Shenzhi once said that behind every parent-child relationship, there is the shadow of the previous generation. Due to historical reasons such as China's social development, the health of parent-child relationship is not very concerned and valued. "Er Bao Ma" cultivates "Ma Bao men" because they may be victims of the relationship model of the previous generation, and because they are difficult to realize the problem, the psychological trauma of the previous generation is passed on from generation to generation. three Complete a "decent exit" Yin Jianli believes that strong maternal love is not a permanent possession of children, but a proper exit. To reduce or prevent this phenomenon, we must first face up to "separation". Yin Jianli believes that the so-called "separation" is not to give up love for children, but to adjust the way of love. "Growth and separation can be understood as the primary and secondary description of the same thing. Growth refers to the change of the child, and separation refers to the adjustment of the importance of the role of the mother around this change. The mother's participation in the child's life is gradually decreasing, and the scope of the role is gradually reduced, so as to make room for the child's life." Second, make good use of "attention". In family education, the mother's excessive attention is a typical example of "wanting to love, but harming". Experts believe that the key to paying attention to children is to grasp the degree, establish a parent-child relationship with a sense of boundary, and truly recognize children from the heart. Even if they lack experience and ability, they are individuals with independent personality. At the same time, as a mother, she should pay more attention to herself. "The best example for children is to have their own social role." Third, let parents share the responsibility of teaching their children. Parents need to cooperate with each other to prevent the loss of identity of one party. When the child needs to complete the psychological separation from the mother, the extremely important value of the father's role is to be able to open the parent-child relationship, so as to achieve a stable and harmonious parent-child atmosphere and build a healthy and stable family triangle. (Xinhua News Agency)